


I can't exist within my own head

by saveferrris



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-30
Updated: 2013-11-30
Packaged: 2018-01-03 01:28:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1064056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saveferrris/pseuds/saveferrris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I can't exist within my own head<br/>So I insist on haunting your bed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can't exist within my own head

**Author's Note:**

> happy reading pals. 
> 
> if you are in popular boyband one direction please don't read this. 
> 
> title and summary from haunt // bed by the 1975

Louis was born very little  
The doctors said it was normal  
But then it stopped being normal when they found  
Little bits of anxiety scattered through his mind  
They told his mum that her son would never be able to lead a fully normal life  
Because it was passed to him  
And his mother cried  
Because she didn't even think  
That his fathers problems would affect her tiny baby  
And she was so full of guilt  
And Louis just sighed  
Because he was tired 

Louis grew up  
Thinking that flowers were there to hurt him  
And that the sky was a threat  
And that everyone wanted to do him wrong  
Sometimes Louis couldn't breathe  
He didn't understand why  
Which made it worse

When he was five  
He met a boy  
With big green eyes and nice curly hair  
A boy who was gentle and kind and not like anyone else  
A boy called Harry  
Who grew up thinking that flowers were beautiful  
And that the sky was full of wonder  
And that there was good inside everyone  
Sometimes Louis couldn't breathe  
Harry didn't understand why  
So he just held his hand 

When he was nine  
Harry took him camping  
And Louis had a panic attack  
Because he was too far from home  
And Harry kicked himself  
For being so stupid  
And not thinking  
So he cradled Louis  
And didn't stop apologising  
Until the sun came up 

When he was twelve  
Harry wanted to play chase  
But chase made Louis cry so hard he almost threw up  
Because Harry was taller than Louis  
And Louis forgot sometimes  
That Harry would never hurt him  
And Harry kicked himself  
For being so stupid  
And not thinking  
So he kissed Louis  
And Louis kissed Harry back  
And Harry decided at that moment  
That in all his life  
He would never, ever stop kissing Louis 

When he was fifteen  
Harry got invited to a party  
And Louis went with him  
Even though his mum said it wasn't a good idea  
He didn't listen  
Because he thought Harry would lose interest if he didn't go  
Because after all  
What's interesting  
About a boy  
Who's as frightened as a mouse  
So he went  
And he fainted  
Because there were too many voices  
And people were touching him  
And he couldn't see Harry anywhere  
And then all the air in the room disappeared  
And when he woke up  
Harry was kicking himself  
For being so stupid  
And not thinking  
And his eyes were red  
And his nails raw from chewing  
And Louis didn't say anything  
He just stared at the wall  
Because Harry always forgot  
And Louis just wanted to impress Harry  
Because Harry was so worth it  
And it was quiet for a long time  
Before Louis told Harry  
About how he thought Harry would lose interest if he didn't go  
Because after all  
What's interesting  
About a boy  
Who's as frightened as a mouse  
And Harry told Louis  
That he was his soulmate  
And that he loved him  
And that he'd never lose interest  
And Louis believed him

When he was eighteen  
Harry told Louis to get out of his life  
Because people do  
Stupid things  
When they're hurting  
And to be fair  
It was Louis' fault  
Because he pushed Harry away  
And built up his walls  
Because he was scared  
But that was no change 

When he was eighteen  
Louis tried to kill himself 

When he was nineteen  
He hadn't spoken to Harry for a year  
He hadn't spoken to anyone  
Really  
Because there was no one else he wanted to talk to  
Other than his brave boy  
Who was nowhere to be found  
So Louis got worse  
Because there was no one to hold his hand  
And when he woke up in the night  
Screaming and breathless  
Gasping Harry's name  
No one was there

When he was nineteen  
Harry turned up at Louis' door  
In the middle of the night  
On a Tuesday  
Lunged towards him  
Picked him up  
And kissed him like he only had a minute to live  
But one million eternities too  
And Harry saw  
That Louis was covered  
In scars  
And bruises  
Some recent  
Some old  
All his fault  
And Harry cried for 3 hours straight  
And kicked himself  
For being so stupid  
And leaving Louis  
His timid boy  
Even though Louis assured him  
That it wasn't down to him  
And that he would carry on adoring him  
Until the Earth stopped turning  
And so they forgave  
And they forgot  
And it was like  
They were never separated 

When he was twenty one  
Harry asked Louis to marry him  
He said  
That Louis was the most beautiful human being  
He'd ever laid eyes on  
He said  
That Louis was the most compassionate human being  
He'd ever met  
He said  
That even though Louis grew up  
Thinking that flowers were there to hurt him  
And that the sky was a threat  
And that everyone wanted to do him wrong  
He didn't care  
Because Harry believed  
That flowers grew when Louis spoke  
And that the Louis was so much like the sky  
Because the sky was full of stars  
And Louis had galaxies burning in his ribcage  
And that it doesn't matter  
Whether someone is good or bad  
Because they'll never be Louis  
And Harry fully expected  
Louis to freak out  
And he was ready  
To kick himself  
For being so stupid  
And not thinking  
But Louis said yes  
Straight away  
Without hesitation  
And there were sunbeams  
Erupting from his eyes  
And he said  
That if being scared  
For 21 years  
Has taught him anything  
It's that you have to experience the dark  
To appreciate the light  
And Harry was the light  
In every sense of the word.

**Author's Note:**

> contact me on twitter (Iouiee) or tumblr (tinystagram) to let me know what you think! :)
> 
> if you'd like also i made a mix for this fic http://8tracks.com/okcoolphoebe/nervous


End file.
